I'm Outie
by AviyahSkittles
Summary: If there was anything Kagami regretted, it was that he taught Kuroko English slang and the fact that Kuroko was friends with Aomine. CRACK, kind of KagaKuro, maybe probably pretty damn offensive.


**A/N: **Yo, this is Skittles. I'm really sorry for Aviyah's crap and if any of this offends you I'm gomen but please put all your blame on Aviyah, she wrote it. A'ight stay safe kids

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"Kagami-kun?"

It was Friday. Kuroko and Kagami had decided that during lunch they would do homework together, if only to help Kagami with his abysmal study practices. They had started working on English when Kuroko had decided to ask a question that would be the start of something Kagami would be face palming to all his life.

"Do you know any English slang?"

Kagami looked up from the problem he was struggling with ("_What the hell is a preposition and who the hell cares?"_)

"Uh, yeah?" he replied. "I mean, you can't really grow up in LA basketball courts without learning some stuff."

Kuroko looked honestly curious, but he didn't say anything. After five minutes of Kuroko staring at him, Kagami realized he probably wanted some examples.

"Well, uh, sometimes when people shorten the word 'alright' into 'a'ight'. Or, uh, lately people have been shortening 'brother' into 'bro' and then slapping that into other words to associate them with friendship between men, such as 'bromance' and 'brohug'."

"That was very informative, Kagami-kun."

He leaned over his desk and cupped his mouse conspiratorially.

"Do you think you would be able to teach me some… gangster speak?"

Kagami stared at him.

"Really?"

"I thought it would be interesting."

Kagami frowned, "Well, just add shizzle and foo', and other crap to your sentences. You'll get a guaranteed beating from actual people in LA."

"That sounds incredibly unpleasant."

"Then forget about gangster talk, and speak normally, geez."

If only it were that simple.

See, Aomine had invited Kuroko over to Maji Burger after school to hang out, and being the reasonable young man he was, Kuroko didn't refuse.

Aomine, on the other hand, was kind of a gigantic douchebag.

So when casually talking about basketball, which casually shifted to Kagami, which casually shifted to English gangster speak, Aomine was all ears.

"So add fo' shizzle to everything? Really? And then I can be a real black guy?" Aomine asked incredulously.

"Well not exactly-"

"And foo'? And mother fucker? Those will help too, right?" Aomine leaned back with a smirk. "I can take myself to the next level with this! I can become a real black guy and fit in! I've already got the skin tone, now I've got the speech."

Kuroko looked mildly disturbed.

"Aomine-kun, you're a Japanese man and this is offensive."

Aomine ignored him in favour of using his phone.

"Hey!" he exclaimed, proudly demonstrating his phone's screen for Kuroko to inspect. "There's a website that you can use to translate English sentences into gangster speak! Sweet, acceptance by black people, here I come!"

"You should probably learn to speak proper English first," said Kuroko scathingly.

He polished off his vanilla milkshake and exited the establishment. Aomine continued talking to an empty seat.

Little did anyone realize, the people around him were listening to Aomine's discoveries with great interest.

* * *

It was Saturday. That meant no school, grocery shopping and throwing some hoops down by the basketball court at the park. After enough breakfast to kill a baby whale, Kagami decided to call up Aomine to see if he wanted to go for some 1-on-1 later in the day.

As usual, the phone went to voicemail once, and then on the second try rang twice before a gruff voice picked up.

What Kagami was not expecting was the way the phone was answered.

"Yo what? Slap mah frol!"

Kagami almost dropped his phone.

"Sorry, this must be the wrong number," he mumbled and moved to end the call.

"Yo nahh, its Aomine, is you deaf o' what, Bakagami otay buh-weet?"

"I'm sorry, why are you talking like that? In English?" said Kagami. "Do you even know what you're saying?"

"Yo ah know exactly what ah'm jivin' about. Ah'm going ta be da blackest Japanese motha fucka you will ever meet, Bakagami. Just you wait. Ya' know what I'm sayin'?"

Seeing as Kagami had no idea what this asshole was trying to say he hung up and began to pretend like that hadn't just happened.

"I should go get some groceries," he mumbled to himself and left his apartment to avoid talking to crazy people. Oh look, there's nice Mrs Tanaka from next door offering some of her homemade miso soup to him as per usual. Since he lived alone, she was always so kind to him. She was really a nice lady, and spoke with such a motherly tone-

"Kagami-san, gots some o' muh motha fuckin soup so you don't go hungry peep this shit."

Kagami paused. "What?"

"Yo awww, dear, iz somethin` da matter? What 'chew trippin foo'?"

Kagami ran like hell, past the elevator and down the stairs.

What the hell? First Aomine, now Mrs Tanaka? Why were they speaking like a bunch of idiots pretending to be from the hood?

As he made his way into the street, convinced this was some kind of horrific nightmare.

"Werd up watch where you're going! With muh beeotch!" screamed a ten year old girl Kagami had just bumped past.

Oh hell.

Everywhere. They were everywhere. No matter where he was, whether it was the cashier at the grocery store or the business man taking his lunch break at Maji Burger, everyone was talking like a stereotypical, offensive kid from "the hood".

Some of them didn't even know proper English to begin with.

If he heard one more "Yo, wado upu blo wha matta?" he was going to punch someone in the face.

"Well, if it isn't Bakagami! Yo' light iz looking dim peep this shit!"

Oh please. Please. If this was punishment for eating Kuroko's French fries that one time, he was sorry. So, so very sorry. He would buy Kuroko a thousand new French fries if only this wasn't happening.

Slowly, Kagami turned around, and was face to face with Aomine in what seemed to be an MC Hammer outfit, with the parachute pants and everything.

"Some people," Kagami said, "are only alive because it is illegal to kill them."

"You need ta stop mumbling. It's messing wif muh motha fuckin black all ye damn hood ratz." said Aomine.

"From the two words I understood of that," Kagami growled, "you seem to believe you are some kind of black person, when you are Japanese. Just because you're unnaturally tan, does not mean you get to be black. And offensively black to boot."

"Yo you're just jealous cuz ah can pull o' da black peep what 'chew trippin foo'."

"You have no idea how many times you would be shanked just for the parachute pants."

"Yo whatever, yo' light iz dim, an' so iz yo' brain! Ah'm out o' here and shit!"

Aomine turned and walked away, if you could call that walking. It was more like he was attempting to twerk his way down the sidewalk.

As soon as he was out of sight, Kagami whipped out his cell phone and began texting.

That was it; he needed to figure out what the hell was happening and how he could stop it.

He knew just the person to help him too.

"Taiga, I came over as soon as you called!" Himuro said as he made his way into Kagami's apartment.

"Yeah, I called you ten minutes ago, how did you get here from Akita so fast?" Asked Kagami.

"I had Atsushi carry me," came the vague reply. "Now tell me what's wrong."

Kagami did his best to explain the new found craze to talk like a pimp, not leaving out any details about parachute pants and Aomine's assholeyness.

"That sounds terrible!" cried Himuro. "Do they not realize they're speaking Engrish?"

"I don't think so," Kagami said with a shake of his head. He grabbed Himuro's shoulders. "You're smart! Help me figure out how to get these people to stop!"

Himuro mimicked Kagami by placing his hands on the other's shoulders, "I'll help you if you call me big brother!"

"Why?"

"Just do it!"

A giant chocolate bar flew through the window and smacked Kagami in the head.

"Oww!" Kagami exclaimed. "What the hell?"

Himuro and Kagami turned towards the newly broken window to see Murasakibara standing there glaring and munching on potato chips. Somehow, he was tall enough to spy on them even though Kagami's apartment was on the eleventh floor.

"Murochin best not be hanging with this pansy ass punk, fo' shizzle my bizzle," he said angrily, although he was incomprehensible with all that food in his mouth.

"Atsushi, please swallow your food before attempting to speak," said Himuro smiling. "It's difficult enough to understand your attempt at stereotypical gangster speak without it sounding like you're a dying cat choking on its own saliva getting boned by a german sheppard."

Kagami wondered how the hell Himuro had come up with that anology.

"Besides," Himuro added. "Yo you know muh motha fuckin heart belongs ta you what 'chew trippin foo'?"

Murasakibara swooned and dragged Himuro out the window and towards the mountains where they would never be seen again.

"Okay, you know what?" Kagami announced. "I think I'm going to go back to America where no one actually talks like this."

"May I come with you, Kagami-kun?"

"Holy-!" Somehow Kuroko had wound up beside Kagami. "How did you get into my house?"

"Kagami-kun," Kuroko said in a reprimanding tone, "after all our time together, you still haven't figured out I'm a professional ninja? I picked the lock, you giant ginger idiot."

Kagami was taken aback at how scathing Kuroko's tone was.

"When did you start actually insulting people?" he asked. "Also I knew it! There's no way someone could be that invisible without being a ninja!"

Kuroko ignored his triumphant cries. "I started when the fifth person told me they would 'pop a cap in my bitch ass' the next time I suddenly appeared."

Kagami stopped gloating and nodded sympathetically. "Let's go to America."

"Wonderful, I hear gays can get married in New York. Let's go find a nice chapel."

"Uh, why?"

"Because you are going to buy me a ring and we are going to adopt a basketball team worth of babies while you cook delicious dinner for me every night in nothing but an apron."

"….Why?"

Kagami had a hell of a time explaining to the people at the airport why we was handcuffed and being princess carried by a man half his size.

Upon arrival in America, after a good seventeen hours of trying to fend off Kuroko and his "mile high club" advances, they went to go through customs. The lady at one of the customs booths called them over to get their passports checked.

"Passupoto, onegaishimasu," said the serious looking woman.

"Uh, here?" Kagami offered his passport, confused as to why an American immigration worker was speaking shitty Japanese. Well, this was a Japanese flight, maybe it was that simple.

"Kagami Taiga," she said looking at him then at his passport picture. "Oh my god, your picture is so kawaii desu ne!"

"What."

"Are you really nihongo desu ka? That's so mecha kakoii desu yo! Watashi wa nihongo ga daisuki desu yo!"

"What."

"Kagami-kun!" Shouted Kuroko from the customs booth further to left from his. "Kagami-kun! They're weaboos! Just smile and nod!"

He didn't need to be told twice. As soon as he dodged customs questions and got through, he and Kuroko grabbed their luggage and ran out of the airport.

Kagami hailed for a taxi. They got into the first one that stopped.

"Anata wa going how far desu yo ichiban sushi Toyota Honda civic?" asked the taxi driver.

Kuroko turned to Kagami slowly, "I don't want to live on this planet anymore."

"Me neither," replied Kagami.

They got out of the taxi. Kagami picked Kuroko up in his arms and jumped his way to the moon.

They lived there happily ever after until Akashi got sick of everything and moved in with them.

That fucking cockblock.

THE END

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**A/N:**

Bwhakjlkjklajdfkrnhkrley5nlk n what was I on

I used an English to pimp translator for a lot of this. And my own knowledge of weaboos for the rest

If you can't understand half of this, good, neither can I!


End file.
